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Last minute tips for a happy Mother’s Day

These tips are offered as curiosities only and with no express or implied warranty of any kind.

  1. For heaven’s sake, don’t force mama so slave over a hot stove all day preparing her Mother’s Day dinner, especially if you forced her to go duck hunting, deer hunting, or fishing to get the prime ingredient. If she caught or shot something, clean it while she takes a bath and changes into suitable church-going clothes. Better yet, take her out to the nearest Outback Steakhouse. If mama’s petite, get her a Victoria’s Filet Mignon. If she’s hefty, get her the Slow-Roasted Prime Rib.
  2. Breakfast in bed is a nice touch as long as you make sure mama’s “decent” before you open the bedroom door. If your family doesn’t have a “safe word” that means “okay to come in the bedroom,” warn mama the night before that you’re bringing her breakfast. If you don’t know how to make a Denver omelet with a rasher of bacon, at least heat up some grits. (These come in little packets that are stirred into boiling water. Hard to mess this up.) Put a nice snapdragon or some other appropriate flower in a bud vase and don’t over-boil the coffee.
  3. Take mama to some place special during the afternoon. Treats my mama liked included professional wrestling, paintball games, and playing pool at the corner bar. Tip: all mamas are not alike. Success may vary.
  4. Write mama a poem. Limericks are ill-advised. Haiku are so short, she’ll think she’s only worth a few words. Sonnets are nice. If you can’t write your own or hire your state’s poet laureate to create one for your mama, steal something from a famous poet she’s never heard of.
  5. As evening comes and you and mama are sitting out on the front porch slamming down shots of vodka, sing mama a song. (As the popular Facebook meme reminds us, you’re the reason she drinks.) So, easy does it. Avoid songs like “Mama Don’t Allow,” “Roll Me Over in the Clover” and “Bang Bang Lulu.” Assuming you know how old your mama is, pick as song that would have been popular when she was a teenager. Do this yourself rather than lip-syncing to an old 78 rpm record.
  6. Apologize in advance (unless she’s already there) for the fact that you and your spouse plan to put her in a home when she becomes unable to live alone because you’re not a good enough son or daughter to care for her properly even if you wanted to. Explain that you and/or your spouse were so traumatized during childhood, that the last thing you need now is to re-create that by having mama come back to sit in your house and raise her eyebrows every time you stay up late and watch filthy movies.
  7. Get mama a gift she’s always wanted like a pump-action shotgun. If you guess wrong, I’m sure she’ll let you borrow the weapon. (My mama was more than happy to let me borrow the baseball gloves I got her for Mother’s Day when I was a kid.)
  8. If your mama is obese, give her a gift certificate to fat farm. (Don’t use the words “fat farm.”) If she gets pissed off, tell her you’re doing this for her health and want her to live long and prosper even though her later years might be spent in a home. You might also remind her that the reverend banned her from church after the pew collapsed when she sat down after singing “Amazing Grace.”
  9. Confess to your mama that you haven’t gotten syphilis from hookers as often as she thinks because (basically) you were trying to be a good son or daughter, but these things happen.
  10. Swear on a stack of Bibles (if necessary) to convince mama that her hair, dress, shoes, and makeup are absolutely perfect and that you want her to stop listening to those people from the other side of the tracks who think she looks like an old hag. Plus, even if she does, you, love her anyway.

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