Two spam companies left messages yesterday that were immediately deposited in the neighborhood’s communal outhouse (“Sit a Spell – Assholes Welcome”) because the robot authors thought an insult would get my attention.
They said: “I see that your blog really needs some fresh articles.”
Then they tried a little sentimentality: “I know it’s really hard coming up with fresh material every day when you’re busy changing the litter box, mowing the yard, saving the world, or whatever it is that keeps you from posting stuff that won’t attract any more spam from me.”
Basically, they wanted to sign me up for curated crap from the communal outhouse. They didn’t put it quite that way even though their opening lines made me suspect they didn’t have the sense God gave a goat.
When a woman walks into a beauty parlor in a movie and the first line she hears is, “Lord have mercy, honey, your need a lot of help,” the theater audience laughs.
In real life, that pick-up line probably doesn’t work so well even though the first thing a business (or a spammer) needs to do is get the prospective sucker’s attention. According to the old AIDA model, the seller needs to remember Attention – Interest – Desire – Action.
It’s always a good idea to know your potential customer so that you have a clue, for example, whether they’re turned on by insults. If not, you’re not even going to get to the Interest part of the advertising model, much less Desire.
But seriously, spam-breath, are you getting any action?
I’m not really cut out to go into the spam biz, but I still have a word of advice: If you’re going to start off with an insult, read some of Don Rickles’ best lines because they were intended as comedy rather than real putdowns:
- “Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?”
- “You were my idol when I was a kid. I was getting shock treatments at the time.”
- “Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?”
Or, perhaps success in the spam business needs a touch of Jack E. Leonard, master of insult comedy: “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
If it’s a true mean streak you’re going for, listen to Joan Rivers for a few hours: “If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk” and “Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.”
Or Mae West: “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
As a last resort, Google the words “insult comedy,” and you’ll find enough stuff to make your spam so hot that customers will sign up with your services just to make it stop.
Until then, my town’s communal outhouse always has room for more.