Daylight Savings Time Whistleblower Sent to Guantanamo for Attitude Adjustment
Washington, D.C, March 13, 2016, Star-Gazer News Service–The U.S. Citizens Attitude Adjustment Court, in a meeting held here today between 1:59 a.m. EST and 3:00 a.m. EDT found daylight savings time whistleblower Pequeño Tiempo guilty of leaking national temporal secrets and sentenced him to a one-to-five lightyear term at the United States Military Prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Tiempo, an analyst at the Daylight Savings Time Administration (DSTA) leaked documents to the press at 2:00 a.m., November 1, 2015, showing that the daylight collected since the inception of daylight savings time has been borrowed by the government for military operations, security, crime prevention and cave exploration and is no longer available for its promised return to the American people.
A division within the Social Security Administration, DSTA was created by Congress to collect hours of daylight that U.S. citizens “would probably squander anyway” and then return it to them when they reached 95 years of age. The top secret documents leaked by Tiempo showed a pattern of daylight borrowing so massive that the agency’s warehouses are essentially dark.
With NASA’s help, scientists on board the International Space Station had attempted to “get ahead of the game” by grabbing extra daylight from the sunrises there that occur every 90 minutes.
According to Buzz Lightyear, CEO of the International Time Management Institute, “the Federal Government has acted just like the typical embezzler who convinces himself that he will be able to replace the money he stole before anyone notices it’s missing.”
Government spokesmen, using the aliases Dewey, Cheatham and Howe, said that the country’s surplus of light collected via the daylight savings time system is “top secret and cannot be divulged no matter how many little people end up reaching 95 only to discover there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.”
Before he was silenced, Tiempo told reporters that Americans are capable of investing their own time as they see fit without the government taking a portion of it and returning mere minutes on the hour.
Informed sources say that Tiempo will be confined to a dark room until he sees the light.
—Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter