Nude pix of local author go nowhere
Junction City, TX, Star-Gazer News Service, December 19, 2015 – After two years of declining book sales, local author Caine Molasses (“How to Unravel Kite String”) decided he wasn’t getting enough exposure and leaked a flash drive of flasher pictures to the media, hoping it would “go viral in a matter of hours” causing his books to “sell like hot potatoes.”
Police said Molasses wasn’t actually taking a leak in any of the photographs.
“I sent the pictures to every newspaper in Texas and as far as I can tell, most of them (the pictures) ended up in a bunch of SPAM queues,” said Molasses.
According to Lucinda Trail, publisher of the Star-Gazer, she received the pictures and wasn’t impressed.
“Who the hell wants to see a middle aged naked guy standing behind his hot rod?” Trail wondered. “If Caine were able, he’d be a killer author without resorting to gimmicks.”
Informed sources said that since Molasses expected the pictures to go viral, he already had a follow-up news release prepared in which he claimed he took the pictures for personal use without actually saying what kind of personal use one might make of nude pictures of oneself.
Book promotion guru Monique Henderson of Dallas said she’s “frankly” not surprised when hacks and has-beens pose in the nude and commit other crimes just to get noticed.
“If you’re a famous stud or starlet, you can get away with the nude picture scam. You whine and complain about the leak while taking a ton of dough to the bank,” she said. “Otherwise, the whole thing is tawdry and repulsive.”
“Oh yeah,” snapped Molasses. “If those pictures had gotten on YouTube, I could have been a contender again. I’ll confess that maybe the lipstick and the fake sailor’s tattoos were mistakes.”
Henderson said that if Molasses kept his clothes on and wrote her company a check for $10,000, she would show him how to build an author’s platform, give away books on Kindle and GoodReads, go on blog tours, do book signings at farmers’ markets, upload non-nude photographs onto Pinterest, write blog posts about what it’s like to be a writer, and a host of other techniques that would prove to readers he was “just another amateur to ignore.”
“Doing stuff gives writers a feeling they’re doing stuff,” Henderson explained, “even if the books aren’t selling.”
Ben Cerf, president of the Texas Forgotten Publishers Association said that writers “just don’t want to pay their dues any more. For a mere $200, Molasses could be member and get his name listed on our site.”
Molasses told reporters he planned to go back into the gigolo business.