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Malcolm R. Campbell's World

Local Author Calls Publisher a Slut, Gets in Trouble

Junction City, TX, April 23, 2015, Star-Gazer News Service–Our once beloved, and now apparently reviled, local author Caine Molasses told a startled group of red hat ladies at today’s afternoon literary tea that his books were seldom reviewed in the local newspaper because “that slut publisher of theirs doesn’t know the difference between literature and a can I buy you a drink request on a bar napkin.”

Local Molasses

Local molasses

The ladies, most of whom were taking selfies of their hats rather than listening to Molasses’ speech about the perils of self-publishing, heard the word “slut” and immediately began texting gossipy tidbits to their friends who had jobs and were actually at work.

Lucinda Trail, publisher of the Star-Gazer and owner of the Purple Platter Restaurant where the tea was held, told reporters that she got a text from Ida Carter at high noon today that read, “Caine says you’re a slut. Please tell me you’re not a slut. All my other friends are sluts and I just don’t know how to become a slut.”

Coral Snake Smith, the Purple Platter manager who had been pressed into service as a waiter, shut down the tea because he was afraid somebody would get hurt.

“Caine told me he misspoke,” Smith said. “That’s today’s catch phrase for getting caught with your pants down and having to tell the world you either didn’t know they were down or lost your mind by allowing them to be down at a place where pants normally aren’t down.”

Trail accepted Molasses’ apology, noting that most Americans in the public eye are misspeaking on a daily basis because “nobody expects the truth any more, much less any manners.”

Out of town molasses

Out of town molasses

Bill Jones, special agent for the Junction City Morality Commission said that any author who’d written books with titles like Lust on a Summer Day and Call Girls I Have Known is paid good money to fantasize about sluts and then tell their stories to readers who don’t know how to fantasize without a book of instructions.

“Novelists usually don’t misspeak in public like politicians,” said Jones. “Politicians, who are known for telling lies, misspeak every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Even truthful politicians misspeak because they don’t know the facts and just make crap up. Novelists make crap up all the time and we love them for it.”

“I meant to say, ‘that wonderful publisher of theirs knows the difference between the high quality books out of New York and home-grown tripe like mine,'” said Molasses, adding that if Ms. Trail was actually a slut, he’d like to get to know her better.

Carter said her text was badly redacted by the NSA and didn’t say what she said.

###

Story filed by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

 

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2 thoughts on “Local Author Calls Publisher a Slut, Gets in Trouble

  1. Hard to tell news from comic strips any more, isn’t it. I think true journalism died about the time that the National Observer published its last edition.

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