Everyone needs a comfy desk chair
Muse: You better do something about that sorry card table chair you’ve been using as a desk chair.
Muse: It’s poking holes in the carpet. Didn’t your wife point that out a week ago? You still haven’t done anything about it.
Me: I thought of putting it up on blocks.
Muse: Do that with your old car in the front yard. You need more ambiance in your den.
Later, at Staples
Me: Look at this. None of these office chair pads will fit between my desk and the window.
Muse: Even if they did, you’d still be stuck with that sorry chair. Here’s a nice swivel chair on sale. It looks like the real you.
Me: The real me prefers wood.
Muse: So, go shopping on eBay and see how well that works for you.
Clerk: Who’s the chick?
Me: My muse.
Clerk: Is that a new word for “lover.”
Muse: Don’t get fresh, dipwad.
Clerk: I’ll carry the chair out to the car for you since you look too old to pick it up.
Me. Much obliged.
Later in the den
Me: Are you going to help be put this contraption together.
Muse: I’ll pour two fingers of Scotch for myself and sit on the back porch and watch the grass grow while you swear at the chair. Don’t you just love things that come with their own Allen wrench?
Me: At least the instructions are written in English.
Muse: You’re partially literate in English but hopeless with mechanical stuff. That’s why I’m waiting on the back porch.
Later in the same room
Muse: It didn’t fall apart when you sat on it?
Muse: How is it?
Muse: It’s not for taking naps. If I ever come in here and find you asleep in that chair, there’s going to be hell to pay.
Me: I think you drank my entire bottle of Scotch. That stuff ain’t cheap.
Muse: Then sit yourself down in that chair and write a bestseller. Do that, and you might even outsell Nora Roberts.
Me: When pigs fly.
Muse: My advice to you is this: don’t write about flying pigs.
Malcolm R. Campbell is the author of “Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire”