Why did I look at the spam queue today?
WordPress has a handy feature called the SPAM queue that contains 99.999% of the SPAM comments placed on our blogs by (apparently) droids who think we’re actually reading this junk:
Certainly a real person wouldn’t stop by a post about, say, “foods of Ancient Rome” and say: “I found this post so informative I copied it onto my own website for my customers. – Bob from Bob’s Condom Company Where Size Matters”
Public Service Note: If you’re frightened of SPAM, click on this graphic for help:
Then there are those SPAM comments that are 100000 times longer than the post. They’re often filled with gibberish and/or written using extinct languages which appear to be gibberish but actually include helpful information about Viagra for readers who came to the day’s blog post planning to read about library programs for kids. Gosh, do spammers really get traction with these?
I figure there must be a segment of blog readers who reads, enjoys and responds to meaningless SPAM comments often enough to make it a profitable business. Many of those people hide under rocks, so they’re not part of the same world the rest of us are living in.
That segment needs help. Perhaps we need to start a 12-step program for people who are addicted to SPAM. It should be a bestseller. We’ll promote it with SPAM. As soon as I get it written, I’m going to find a blog about mom and apple pie and leave a comment:
“While thinking of mom and enjoying a slice of apple pie, I can’t help but think a lot of you are tired of buying condoms and pawn shop junk and SEO advice and Valium you don’t really want. If you’re like me, you aren’t reading this kind of comment. If you’re not like me and can’t help yourself, buy my new SPAM INTERVENTION BOOK and free yourself from your worst habits.”
It won’t offend the bloggers because they know better (most of the time) and never look at the crap in the SPAM queue that WordPress keeps off their blogs. But if I can get rich helping just one person get off SPAM, I’ll feel warm and cozy at night about how I made a difference.
This entire post looks shockingly like SPAM. Perhaps the SPAM queue will grab it and it won’t appear on my blog at all. That’s probably best.
BTW, if you find a message in your SPAM queue from Sue of Sue’s Insurance Company and Candy Store, don’t go there. It seems the place is named “Sue” because they get sued all the time for selling cavity insurance that never pays a dime to your dentist due to some annoying fine print in the policy.
–Bob (not my real name)
- Hi, Admin Person. I sell out of date anti-spam software that works most of the time and want to say that if you had it already you wouldn’t be seeing this comment.
- This is a very informative post and will probably become part of my next recipe book called “Cooking With Spam.” To get a copy of that book, please send money right now to P.O. Box 603294, Two Egg, Florida.
- I love your writing and want to see more of it. In fact, I come to your blog 2-3 times an hour hoping against hope there will be a new post here. If you want to get to know me better, I work at moniquesexypix.com and hope you’ll come up and see me some time.
- Spam really sucks. The Feds ought to make it illegal. Until they do, you can get free herbal teas that aren’t too harmful by contacting firstname.lastname@example.org.