New Interstate Blocks Road to Grandmother’s House
Satire from the archives
Junction City, TX—The old road leading over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house was officially torn out this morning for the opening of a new transcontinental interstate highway, transportation brass announced here today after finishing the last of their Thanksgiving turkey.
“While we’re aware the horse knows the way to carry the sleigh through white and drifted snow,” said the DOT’s Sprawl Tsar Harvey Dent, “we cannot ignore statistics showing that 98.312% of today’s important traffic is fast-tracking it between Washington, D.C. and Hollywood.”
Dubbed the Shit to Shinola Highway, Interstate 666 rips through Junction City’s primeval forest where the wind stings the toes and bites the nose.
According to uninformed sources, “‘a full day of play’ just doesn’t cut it anymore.”
“If I hear any more pre-Christmas bells going ting-a-ling-ling, I’ll scream,” yelled Dent during this morning’s news conference at the barnyard gate.
Attending the ceremony were the students from Jeanette Hardy’s class. The fifth graders arrived at the crime scene in a sleigh pulled by a dappled gray.
“We never believed they’d close our road over the river and through the woods,” said Mikey Arnold. “But they have.”
“No pumpkin pie this year,” said Theresa Dawson.
“Our teacher told us the people who built this road don’t know the difference between Shit and Shinola,” said Billy Jones. “Then the class decided nobody even knows what Shinola is anymore except the janitor old Mr. Walker. But we all know what Shit is so we came out to see it.”
Hardy, whose mother’s mother taught Grandmother how to make Christmas pudding and knit a proper Christmas cap, has taken her 5th grade class over the river and through the woods for 25 years.
“I expect we’ll see a lot of politicians, lobbyists, stars and starlets traveling this road from Shit to Shinola and back to Shit,” said Hardy. “It will be funnier than Jay Leno, David Letterman and Conan O’Brien all jabbering at once. But it won’t be the same. It won’t be Grandmother. It surely won’t.”
As the limousines and secret service vehicles blasted through the blue ribbon at mile marker #1400, Mayor Clark Trail told on-lookers that he was proud of the city council’s strong stand.
“We didn’t allow an exit ramp,” Trail said. “The folks traveling between Shit and Shinola aren’t our kind of folks. We’re over the river and through the woods kind of folks even though we enjoy a good laugh once in a while.”
Theresa Dawson’s classmate Becky Satterfield didn’t see the humor in watching “a bunch of fools embarrassing themselves” on I-666.
“A couple of years ago,” she said, “Grandmother got run over by a reindeer. Now this.”